Pastor Fred Phelps is gay, pass it on

July 4, 2013 at 10:24 am | Posted in Atheism, god, Religion, stupidity | Leave a comment
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Pastor Fred Phelps

Pastor Fred Phelps (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When I heard the promo for the news, that plans were in the works to picket the funerals of the 19 firefighters who died near Prescott, Arizona I didn’t even have to guess who those picketers might be.  Who else routinely pickets funerals but the Westboro Baptist Church institution for the criminally insane.  Fortunately, or unfortunately for Phelps, Arizona said we’re not going to stand for that bullshit.

Pastor Fred Phelps, the head lunatic, has somehow either found a group of equally delusional followers or has managed to brainwash his flock into making funeral picketing their hobby.  I think the man doth protest too much.   Perhaps there is an underlying fear (or knowledge) within Phelps that he is or may be gay.  I’m sick of these people disrupting funerals and it is my sincere hope that a meteor falls on that church and that Phelps lives only long enough to see the funerals of his church members being picketed.  In the meantime somebody ought to out Phelps since he’s too much of a weenie to admit to and embrace who he really is.  So what the hell…pass it on.

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How to speak republican

October 25, 2011 at 9:05 am | Posted in political, Republicans | Leave a comment
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By Jonathan Bines

Talking to a Republican can be frustrating.  Often, it seems like they are speaking an entirely different language—and in many cases, they are!  For this reason, and in the hopes of facilitating cross-party dialogue and mutual understanding, I have compiled what I believe to be the first comprehensive Republican-to-English dictionary, featuring words commonly used by Republicans, and followed by their English translations.  Alphabetized for your convenience:

  • America (United States of): A country located in the northern Western Hemisphere that is always #1 and is always right.
  • Bible: A sacred text that provides incontestable answers when thumped, pounded, or misinterpreted.
  • Birth Certificate: An official birth record, traditionally required of all US Presidents (regardless of race) since 2008.
  • Capitalism: A system of economic organization that has never been attempted without government interference.
  • Christian: Accurately informed.
  • Christmas: A holiday commemorating the birth of Jesus Christ, now rarely observed due to persecution by atheists.
  • Compromise: (uncommon) A form of political suicide.
  • Coast (East): A very bad coast of the continental United States.
  • Coast (West): Another really inexcusable coast.
  • Communism: The belief that the government should help people.
  • Constitution (U.S.): The hallowed founding document of the United States, the text of which must be interpreted strictly and amended immediately.
  • Corporations: Really big people who are overtaxed.
  • Deficits: 1) Fiscal shortfalls which are incurred by Democrats and threaten to bankrupt the country, or   2) Fiscal shortfalls which are incurred by Republicans and don’t matter.
  • Democrat: A political party.
  • Election: A method of selecting representatives, the fraudulence of which may be inferred from the outcome.
  • Elitist: Qualified.
  • Endangered Species: Animals that have it coming.
  • Europe: A vague landform east of America’s Atlantic Ocean, which is irrelevant and should provide military support whenever we ask.
  • Evolution: A theory of human origins that’s been wrong since ‘way before they ever proved it.
  • Extremist (Liberal): Espousing or adhering to political beliefs that are held by no more than a majority of Americans.
  • Fact: Information obtained from a RedState comment board.
  • Forest (National): Trees that have it coming.
  • Gut: Region of the body from which decisions should be made.
  • Homosexuality: A membership-only lifestyle organization that perpetuates itself through youth recruitment.
  • Hitler: A man to whom it would be inappropriate to compare President Obama (in spite of the many uncanny similarities).
  • Jesus: Charismatic religious leader and son of God; born in Bethlehem in the year 0.  His beliefs include love, charity, enhanced interrogation, privatized healthcare, elimination of the estate tax, and the right to carry concealed semiautomatic weapons.
  • League (Ivy): an association of eight Eastern universities and colleges, the lack of a fancy education from which qualifies a candidate for public office.
  • Liberal: A person who should be rounded up and shot but not really, wink, wink.
  • Marxism: A political and economic philosophy developed by Karl Marx and promulgated by Paul Krugman.
  • Media (Mainstream): The leftist mouthpiece, from which you won’t hear things.
  • Medicare: A fraudulent, socialistic boondoggle that is sacrosanct.
  • Mexicans: Brown people who have it coming.
  • Mexican-Americans: See “Mexicans”
  • Mountaintops: Ancient rock formations that have it coming.
  • Muslims: More brown people who have it coming.
  • Native Americans: Red people who need to get over it.
  • News: The holy Fox Network
  • Obamacare: A Federally-mandated policy to address the national oversupply of grandparents through euthanasia.
  • Organic: Eaten by lesbians.
  • Park (National): Land set aside for future rape.
  • Party (Tea): A grass-roots movement of patriotic Americans fighting for the principle of “No Taxation With Representation.”
  • Poll: A survey used to determine, to within a margin of error, just how many Americans are right.
  • Poverty: The condition of having inadequate financial or material resources due to not trying hard enough.
  • Propaganda: The politically motivated dissemination of biased information, opinion, or data through its publication in the New York Times.
  • Punishment (Capital): The legally authorized killing by the State of someone who is really, truly, probably guilty.
  • Racism: A form of discrimination that typically happens in reverse.
  • Regulation: Rules issued by a government agency for no reason.
  • Ronald Reagan: A fictional character based loosely on President Ronald Reagan.
  • Scientist: A person who employs a rigorous system of observation, experiment, measurement, and verification to perpetuate his godless left-wing agenda.
  • Social Security: A redistributionist Ponzi scheme that is sacrosanct.
  • Socialism: An economic system invented by FDR, which takes from the good and gives to the evil and lazy.
  • Taxes: Levies which are imposed by the government, and which increase revenue the more they are reduced.
  • Torture: A method of interrogation that does not rise to the level of torture.
  • Terrorist: A person to whom a person who threatens to destroy the U.S. economy unless his demands are met should not be compared.
  • Unbiased: Giving equal weight to both sides of the looking glass.
  • Wealthy (the): People who earned every penny.
  • Up: A direction which, depending on circumstances, is down.
  • Warming (Global): A mysterious human-caused increase in the Earth’s terrestrial, atmospheric, and oceanic temperatures that not only isn’t happening, but furthermore isn’t caused by humans.
  • Welfare: A government program to distribute Cadillacs to unwed mothers.
  • Yes: (unknown; no translation possible)

Jonathon Bines is a writer for Jimmy Kimmel Live

If they put god in a department store

October 21, 2011 at 4:57 pm | Posted in Atheism, god, Religion | 2 Comments
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Growing up there was no religion in my home.  As a young child I was aware other people attended church (temples, mosques, etc.), because their religion dictated they do so, but I didn’t understand why (in truth as an adult I still don’t).  In our house we did celebrate christmas* and easter*, not as religions celebrations, but the commercialized versions of fun things to do, like Halloween or April Fools Day.  As much as I detest these holidays now, I loved them as a child.  I enjoyed coloring easter eggs and couldn’t get enough of the lights and decorations on christmas and loved our decorated trees and the presents under them on christmas morning.

Children visiting Santa Claus, Eaton's departm...

Image via Wikipedia

From my parents I heard about the easter bunny who brought baskets full of treats, the tooth fairy who put money under my pillow in exchange for lost teeth, Santa Claus who brought presents on christmas and god who, as far as I could tell, did nothing .

Even as a very young child, I knew the tooth fairy was one of my parents, god and the easter bunny were imaginary, but for part of my childhood I did believe in Santa Claus.  Why?  For one, the same reason that most people believe in god; fear.  If I didn’t believe in Santa I might not get presents.  Another reason I believed in Santa is because every year before christmas he came down from the north pole and took up temporary residence in a department store where I could see him with my own two eyes, sit on his lap and tell him what I wanted for christmas.

Not that I am promoting a belief in god, but it occurs to me that if the believers (who seem hell-bent on converting non- believers) changed their marketing plan and copied the successful Santa strategy they may have more believers.  If god really exists he/she/it shouldn’t be averse to spending time in a department store or at the mall where people, including those with doubts, could come and see god.  I’m suggesting that for a week or two each year god could sit on a throne at the mall and people could line up to tell god their hopes and prayers for the year.  It’s all about marketing..that’s all I’m saying.

*why it’s not capitalized

When Jesus ate the magic mushrooms

October 10, 2011 at 1:44 pm | Posted in Beliefs, god, Jesus, social comment | 1 Comment
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By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist
Wednesday, October 5, 2011

What a strange and wobbly time in which to live. We refuse to believe something until it’s “proven” via scientific method, but once it’s proven half the nation immediately discredits it because science is for elitist liberals and only creationist Jesus and a sad gang of very dead, enormously repressed Bible-writing priests from 1,500 years ago actually know anything about “truth.”

Meanwhile, the best and most illuminating of nature’s medicines remain underground, sidelined and fringe while the costly synthetics rage on full force, addicting millions, numbing out the soul of world, most no better (and often far, far worse) than placebos.

Did Jesus take magic mushrooms? Can we deliberate for a moment? How about Buddha? Allah? Eve? Was the gleaming apple from the tree of knowledge not laced with ayahuasca and wormwood and dark rum? Can we safely assume? Oh, we absolutely can.

This much we know: mushrooms inspire a numinous state, and Jesus was nothing if not a card-carrying mystic. A seer. An anti-establishment, proto-hippie, street-screamin’ visionary who hung out with prostitutes and freaks and loved everyone equally, saw everyone as full incarnation of pure divinity right here on earth. And he was what, sober? Sure.  entire article

How to grow an atheist

August 24, 2011 at 6:12 pm | Posted in Atheism, god, Religion | 10 Comments
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In recent discussions with an atheist who happens to be coupled with a non-atheist (read christian) some thought and concern was given to how the hypothetical children might be raised.  This got me to thinking about the basic differences in the approaches to child rearing between religious folks and atheists.

Clearly I cannot speak for all atheists, but I can speak from my own experience and my observations of others with whom I am personally acquainted and share my non-beliefs.  My ex-partner in marriage shared my views on religion and god so it was rarely, if ever, an issue of discussion in our home.

When we had a child we didn’t raise our child to be an atheist.  In fact, since god seems to be everywhere…and not in the religious sense…it was inevitable that our child would be exposed, on some level, to god and religion.  To us, this was not a problem; we both believed our child should be allowed exposure to any and all beliefs and be allowed to choose freely.  There were occasions, when coming home from school, my child discussed god.  I listened and was engaged in the discussion of what had been experienced or learned, but never once did I say to my kid, “There is no god.”

Once, upon seeing an old poster from the Nixon era, in which Nixon appeared as a large dominant figure clutching dog leashes restraining his cronies in the Watergate debacle; my child said, “Look mommy, that’s a picture of god.”  I asked where god was and, sure enough, the index finger pointed to Nixon.  Amused, I simply replied, “So that’s what god looks like.”

Like all non religious children, my child heard, from kids at school, talk about church and god.  Wanting to fit in, my kid went to church, with friends, on several occasions (at various stages of childhood) and decided against pursuing it further.

In religious families, it seems important that the children be taken to indoctrination stations church (synagogues, mosques, etc.) from the beginning, so that young impressionable minds can be molded before the capacity for independent thought develops.  By the time a child reaches puberty these beliefs have become so ingrained that it would never occur to most of them to question their teachings.  Put simply, religious parents raise their children to embrace their own beliefs.

This is part of the dilemma for the atheist and the non-atheist should they decide to go forth and procreate.  I suppose one solution would be for the atheist to concede and allow any offspring to be taken to the indoctrination station, and upon reaching a certain point in their lives be told, in the same sitting, there is no Santa Clause, Easter Bunny, or god…it’s all just good childish fun.  Though I think it is more likely deprogramming, much like that used in recovering a brainwashed child from a cult, would be required.  Another approach, and to my mind a better one, would be to raise a free range child (like mine) who is allowed to ask questions and explore wherever curiosity takes him or her and when the child reaches an age where they can engage in critical thinking the religious parent can then expose the child to their ideology.

I wonder how many people would have taken a different path had they not experienced this early indoctrination.  Had those with strong beliefs in the invisible magic man in the sky and various forms of religion been raised in a fashion more like my child I think the world might be, at least slightly, a more sane place.

Last night I said a prayer

June 17, 2011 at 2:26 pm | Posted in Atheism, Beliefs, god, Jesus, Religion, stupidity | 4 Comments
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They say, “Don’t knock it if you haven’t tried it.”, so I did.  I am now officially qualified to knock it.

So here’s what happened.  Last night I turned on the television looking for something to lull me off to the land of nod.  The first image was a close up of a  man and a woman with their eyes scrunched tightly shut.  The man was saying something about someone out there no longer having back pain, and someone else is no longer suffering from migraines.  My initial thoughts were, whoa this is some kind of crazy, low budget infomercial, for a miracle supplement that cures everything, shot in a studio with overly bright lighting (explaining the squinting).  Or, the supplement, while curing everything else, has an annoying side effect that causes extreme constipation; based on the facial expressions of the pair, they both looked as if they badly needed a bowel movement.

A moment later the man said, “And there is someone out there with a brain tumor that is now gone.  God and Jesus have taken it away”  By now I realized it wasn’t an infomercial.  As it happened the show was nearly over and identified itself as The 700 Club.  Immediately after you were told asked to send money the guy with the closed eyes said (this is likely not the exact wording but close enough), “Pray for what you want and you will receive it.” (from some guy named Matthew).  He didn’t say you may or you might or you probably will, but you WILL receive…

So I scrunched my eyes shut, as I had just seen and asked for what I wanted: to be a millionaire when I woke the next morning.  Praying does NOT work.  This morning I woke up and excitedly ran to the computer to check my bank balance.  Imagine how my spirits sank when I didn’t see seven figures. I can’t figure out what could have gone wrong.  I imitated the facial expression and the eye scrunching perfectly.  Could it be that not sending them money is where I went wrong?  If that’s the case then it’s a bit of a catch 22 situation.  If I’d gotten the damn million I would have been happy to send them some money.

The whole experience got me to thinking:  who is this guy Matthew and why did he lie?  Why is that religious TV program called The 700 Club?  Is 700 the number of members in the club, and if so does someone have to quit or die before someone new can join so they don’t have to keep changing the name of the club?  Or is 700 the collective IQ of the membership?  I’m leaning toward the latter because how gullible do you have to be to believe even those few minutes, I saw, of the show?  And I did give them the benefit of the doubt by keeping an open mind and praying.

I switched channels and found a show called AFV (America’s Funniest Videos).  After watching for a short while I realized three things:  The AFV audience is probably the same as that of The 700 Club, its producers evidently never heard of a little thing called the internet which has actual funny videos, and the program would be more aptly named, America’s Most Disturbing Videos.

If you’ve never seen AFV, unless you have sadistic tendencies, don’t bother.  People send in their ‘funny’ home videos for a chance to win a bunch of money.  Just about every video showed a person (sometimes a small child) being injured either by bad luck or their own stupidity.  Many of the injuries were such that I would expect any reasonable person would drop the camera and rush to see if the subject was OK.  Instead they kept on filming and you could hear the laughter of the person behind the camera, often the parent of the injured child, as well as that of the studio audience.  And, apparently you can never see too much footage of a man getting hit in the nuts.

I fail to find humor or enjoyment in watching people being injured and found it disturbing that so many people do.  It has to be stupidity; I can think of no other explanation.  Hence, my correlation between the pool of audience members for both shows.  I would pray they both be taken off the air but I already know it won’t work.

I pledge allegiance to…whaaaat?

May 29, 2011 at 9:58 am | Posted in corporate bullys, political, Religion, social comment | Leave a comment
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