How to speak republican

October 25, 2011 at 9:05 am | Posted in political, Republicans | Leave a comment
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By Jonathan Bines

Talking to a Republican can be frustrating.  Often, it seems like they are speaking an entirely different language—and in many cases, they are!  For this reason, and in the hopes of facilitating cross-party dialogue and mutual understanding, I have compiled what I believe to be the first comprehensive Republican-to-English dictionary, featuring words commonly used by Republicans, and followed by their English translations.  Alphabetized for your convenience:

  • America (United States of): A country located in the northern Western Hemisphere that is always #1 and is always right.
  • Bible: A sacred text that provides incontestable answers when thumped, pounded, or misinterpreted.
  • Birth Certificate: An official birth record, traditionally required of all US Presidents (regardless of race) since 2008.
  • Capitalism: A system of economic organization that has never been attempted without government interference.
  • Christian: Accurately informed.
  • Christmas: A holiday commemorating the birth of Jesus Christ, now rarely observed due to persecution by atheists.
  • Compromise: (uncommon) A form of political suicide.
  • Coast (East): A very bad coast of the continental United States.
  • Coast (West): Another really inexcusable coast.
  • Communism: The belief that the government should help people.
  • Constitution (U.S.): The hallowed founding document of the United States, the text of which must be interpreted strictly and amended immediately.
  • Corporations: Really big people who are overtaxed.
  • Deficits: 1) Fiscal shortfalls which are incurred by Democrats and threaten to bankrupt the country, or   2) Fiscal shortfalls which are incurred by Republicans and don’t matter.
  • Democrat: A political party.
  • Election: A method of selecting representatives, the fraudulence of which may be inferred from the outcome.
  • Elitist: Qualified.
  • Endangered Species: Animals that have it coming.
  • Europe: A vague landform east of America’s Atlantic Ocean, which is irrelevant and should provide military support whenever we ask.
  • Evolution: A theory of human origins that’s been wrong since ‘way before they ever proved it.
  • Extremist (Liberal): Espousing or adhering to political beliefs that are held by no more than a majority of Americans.
  • Fact: Information obtained from a RedState comment board.
  • Forest (National): Trees that have it coming.
  • Gut: Region of the body from which decisions should be made.
  • Homosexuality: A membership-only lifestyle organization that perpetuates itself through youth recruitment.
  • Hitler: A man to whom it would be inappropriate to compare President Obama (in spite of the many uncanny similarities).
  • Jesus: Charismatic religious leader and son of God; born in Bethlehem in the year 0.  His beliefs include love, charity, enhanced interrogation, privatized healthcare, elimination of the estate tax, and the right to carry concealed semiautomatic weapons.
  • League (Ivy): an association of eight Eastern universities and colleges, the lack of a fancy education from which qualifies a candidate for public office.
  • Liberal: A person who should be rounded up and shot but not really, wink, wink.
  • Marxism: A political and economic philosophy developed by Karl Marx and promulgated by Paul Krugman.
  • Media (Mainstream): The leftist mouthpiece, from which you won’t hear things.
  • Medicare: A fraudulent, socialistic boondoggle that is sacrosanct.
  • Mexicans: Brown people who have it coming.
  • Mexican-Americans: See “Mexicans”
  • Mountaintops: Ancient rock formations that have it coming.
  • Muslims: More brown people who have it coming.
  • Native Americans: Red people who need to get over it.
  • News: The holy Fox Network
  • Obamacare: A Federally-mandated policy to address the national oversupply of grandparents through euthanasia.
  • Organic: Eaten by lesbians.
  • Park (National): Land set aside for future rape.
  • Party (Tea): A grass-roots movement of patriotic Americans fighting for the principle of “No Taxation With Representation.”
  • Poll: A survey used to determine, to within a margin of error, just how many Americans are right.
  • Poverty: The condition of having inadequate financial or material resources due to not trying hard enough.
  • Propaganda: The politically motivated dissemination of biased information, opinion, or data through its publication in the New York Times.
  • Punishment (Capital): The legally authorized killing by the State of someone who is really, truly, probably guilty.
  • Racism: A form of discrimination that typically happens in reverse.
  • Regulation: Rules issued by a government agency for no reason.
  • Ronald Reagan: A fictional character based loosely on President Ronald Reagan.
  • Scientist: A person who employs a rigorous system of observation, experiment, measurement, and verification to perpetuate his godless left-wing agenda.
  • Social Security: A redistributionist Ponzi scheme that is sacrosanct.
  • Socialism: An economic system invented by FDR, which takes from the good and gives to the evil and lazy.
  • Taxes: Levies which are imposed by the government, and which increase revenue the more they are reduced.
  • Torture: A method of interrogation that does not rise to the level of torture.
  • Terrorist: A person to whom a person who threatens to destroy the U.S. economy unless his demands are met should not be compared.
  • Unbiased: Giving equal weight to both sides of the looking glass.
  • Wealthy (the): People who earned every penny.
  • Up: A direction which, depending on circumstances, is down.
  • Warming (Global): A mysterious human-caused increase in the Earth’s terrestrial, atmospheric, and oceanic temperatures that not only isn’t happening, but furthermore isn’t caused by humans.
  • Welfare: A government program to distribute Cadillacs to unwed mothers.
  • Yes: (unknown; no translation possible)

Jonathon Bines is a writer for Jimmy Kimmel Live

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