What Would Jesus Do?

August 3, 2012 at 10:25 pm | Posted in Atheism, civil liberties, Religion, social comment | Leave a comment
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How to raise a good christian*

May 11, 2012 at 4:38 pm | Posted in Atheism, hypocrisy, Jesus, Religion | 2 Comments
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This morning’s round of fun with jehova’s witnesses*, for some reason reminded me of an incident that happened some years ago.  It irritates the hell out of me when these folks come to my door.  I turn into the mean crazy lady.

I live in a rural part of a small town.  You cannot see my house from the road so you have to drive for several  minutes along my private driveway to get to my house.  Yet they still find me.  I was spending the morning reading when the dog and I heard voices coming from outside followed by a knock on the door.  I looked through the window at two smiling men, standing on the front porch, holding up a bible and pointing at it.

I opened the door and stared at them as they started their spiel.  I said, “You’re trespassing.”  to which jh1 replied, “There’s no sign.”  I said it doesn’t matter, you’re trespassing.  And, you know what other sign isn’t at the entrance to my property?  A sign that says, ‘If you don’t know me feel free to drive onto my property and disturb my peace or interrupt whatever I am doing so you can attempt to shove your religion down my throat.”

jh2 then said, “Give us you’re house number and we’ll make sure no one bothers you again.”

I have tried that but to no avail, they keep coming, like ants.  I said, “How about this, you put everybody who hasn’t invited you on the list and leave the rest of us the hell alone.  Most people I know think of  you as pests much like they think of mosquitoes, gnats, and killer bees but most people are way more polite than I am.”

I guess their visit made me think of this incident because both are supposedly about creating good christians.

Awhile back I had a pickup truck.  It was one where the back glass in the cab had a sliding window.  I had gone into the post office and when I came out I discovered I had locked myself out of the truck.  The back sliding window was open a couple of inches and I am rather petite so I considered climbing in.  However, I was meeting someone, it was hot, and I didn’t want to arrive dirty and sweaty.  About this time a man came out with a small boy (about 7 or 8) so I stopped him, explained my dilemma and asked if he might allow his son to climb in the back and open the door.

He looked at his kid and said, “What do you think, you want to do it for ten bucks?”  I was more than a little taken aback…as most people would have been more than happy to be helpful.  If the situation were reversed I would help and it wouldn’t cross my mind to ask for money.  I countered with five dollars, my offer was accepted and the little tycoon opened my truck in under a minute (that works out to three hundred bucks and hour).  I forked over the five bucks and as they walked away I heard the father say to his son, “See that!  When you are a good christian the lord takes care of you and now you are five dollars closer to getting your new bike.”

Correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t christianity teach helping others in need without asking for payment?

*I refuse to capitalize anything having to do with religion.

Thank you Jesus

January 22, 2012 at 5:35 pm | Posted in Atheism, hypocrisy, Jesus, Religion | 1 Comment
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Ærchies Archive - Digital Detritus

Romans 8:37-39    New International Version (NIV)

37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

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How to speak republican

October 25, 2011 at 9:05 am | Posted in political, Republicans | Leave a comment
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By Jonathan Bines

Talking to a Republican can be frustrating.  Often, it seems like they are speaking an entirely different language—and in many cases, they are!  For this reason, and in the hopes of facilitating cross-party dialogue and mutual understanding, I have compiled what I believe to be the first comprehensive Republican-to-English dictionary, featuring words commonly used by Republicans, and followed by their English translations.  Alphabetized for your convenience:

  • America (United States of): A country located in the northern Western Hemisphere that is always #1 and is always right.
  • Bible: A sacred text that provides incontestable answers when thumped, pounded, or misinterpreted.
  • Birth Certificate: An official birth record, traditionally required of all US Presidents (regardless of race) since 2008.
  • Capitalism: A system of economic organization that has never been attempted without government interference.
  • Christian: Accurately informed.
  • Christmas: A holiday commemorating the birth of Jesus Christ, now rarely observed due to persecution by atheists.
  • Compromise: (uncommon) A form of political suicide.
  • Coast (East): A very bad coast of the continental United States.
  • Coast (West): Another really inexcusable coast.
  • Communism: The belief that the government should help people.
  • Constitution (U.S.): The hallowed founding document of the United States, the text of which must be interpreted strictly and amended immediately.
  • Corporations: Really big people who are overtaxed.
  • Deficits: 1) Fiscal shortfalls which are incurred by Democrats and threaten to bankrupt the country, or   2) Fiscal shortfalls which are incurred by Republicans and don’t matter.
  • Democrat: A political party.
  • Election: A method of selecting representatives, the fraudulence of which may be inferred from the outcome.
  • Elitist: Qualified.
  • Endangered Species: Animals that have it coming.
  • Europe: A vague landform east of America’s Atlantic Ocean, which is irrelevant and should provide military support whenever we ask.
  • Evolution: A theory of human origins that’s been wrong since ‘way before they ever proved it.
  • Extremist (Liberal): Espousing or adhering to political beliefs that are held by no more than a majority of Americans.
  • Fact: Information obtained from a RedState comment board.
  • Forest (National): Trees that have it coming.
  • Gut: Region of the body from which decisions should be made.
  • Homosexuality: A membership-only lifestyle organization that perpetuates itself through youth recruitment.
  • Hitler: A man to whom it would be inappropriate to compare President Obama (in spite of the many uncanny similarities).
  • Jesus: Charismatic religious leader and son of God; born in Bethlehem in the year 0.  His beliefs include love, charity, enhanced interrogation, privatized healthcare, elimination of the estate tax, and the right to carry concealed semiautomatic weapons.
  • League (Ivy): an association of eight Eastern universities and colleges, the lack of a fancy education from which qualifies a candidate for public office.
  • Liberal: A person who should be rounded up and shot but not really, wink, wink.
  • Marxism: A political and economic philosophy developed by Karl Marx and promulgated by Paul Krugman.
  • Media (Mainstream): The leftist mouthpiece, from which you won’t hear things.
  • Medicare: A fraudulent, socialistic boondoggle that is sacrosanct.
  • Mexicans: Brown people who have it coming.
  • Mexican-Americans: See “Mexicans”
  • Mountaintops: Ancient rock formations that have it coming.
  • Muslims: More brown people who have it coming.
  • Native Americans: Red people who need to get over it.
  • News: The holy Fox Network
  • Obamacare: A Federally-mandated policy to address the national oversupply of grandparents through euthanasia.
  • Organic: Eaten by lesbians.
  • Park (National): Land set aside for future rape.
  • Party (Tea): A grass-roots movement of patriotic Americans fighting for the principle of “No Taxation With Representation.”
  • Poll: A survey used to determine, to within a margin of error, just how many Americans are right.
  • Poverty: The condition of having inadequate financial or material resources due to not trying hard enough.
  • Propaganda: The politically motivated dissemination of biased information, opinion, or data through its publication in the New York Times.
  • Punishment (Capital): The legally authorized killing by the State of someone who is really, truly, probably guilty.
  • Racism: A form of discrimination that typically happens in reverse.
  • Regulation: Rules issued by a government agency for no reason.
  • Ronald Reagan: A fictional character based loosely on President Ronald Reagan.
  • Scientist: A person who employs a rigorous system of observation, experiment, measurement, and verification to perpetuate his godless left-wing agenda.
  • Social Security: A redistributionist Ponzi scheme that is sacrosanct.
  • Socialism: An economic system invented by FDR, which takes from the good and gives to the evil and lazy.
  • Taxes: Levies which are imposed by the government, and which increase revenue the more they are reduced.
  • Torture: A method of interrogation that does not rise to the level of torture.
  • Terrorist: A person to whom a person who threatens to destroy the U.S. economy unless his demands are met should not be compared.
  • Unbiased: Giving equal weight to both sides of the looking glass.
  • Wealthy (the): People who earned every penny.
  • Up: A direction which, depending on circumstances, is down.
  • Warming (Global): A mysterious human-caused increase in the Earth’s terrestrial, atmospheric, and oceanic temperatures that not only isn’t happening, but furthermore isn’t caused by humans.
  • Welfare: A government program to distribute Cadillacs to unwed mothers.
  • Yes: (unknown; no translation possible)

Jonathon Bines is a writer for Jimmy Kimmel Live

When Jesus ate the magic mushrooms

October 10, 2011 at 1:44 pm | Posted in Beliefs, god, Jesus, social comment | 1 Comment
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By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist
Wednesday, October 5, 2011

What a strange and wobbly time in which to live. We refuse to believe something until it’s “proven” via scientific method, but once it’s proven half the nation immediately discredits it because science is for elitist liberals and only creationist Jesus and a sad gang of very dead, enormously repressed Bible-writing priests from 1,500 years ago actually know anything about “truth.”

Meanwhile, the best and most illuminating of nature’s medicines remain underground, sidelined and fringe while the costly synthetics rage on full force, addicting millions, numbing out the soul of world, most no better (and often far, far worse) than placebos.

Did Jesus take magic mushrooms? Can we deliberate for a moment? How about Buddha? Allah? Eve? Was the gleaming apple from the tree of knowledge not laced with ayahuasca and wormwood and dark rum? Can we safely assume? Oh, we absolutely can.

This much we know: mushrooms inspire a numinous state, and Jesus was nothing if not a card-carrying mystic. A seer. An anti-establishment, proto-hippie, street-screamin’ visionary who hung out with prostitutes and freaks and loved everyone equally, saw everyone as full incarnation of pure divinity right here on earth. And he was what, sober? Sure.  entire article

The c-word

August 12, 2011 at 9:52 am | Posted in Atheism, Beliefs, Religion | 8 Comments
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I refuse to capitalize christian/christianity (unless it begins a sentence). It’s not that I don’t respect your right to believe as you please, in fact if you are truly a christian I respect your beliefs and would like the same in return. What I don’t respect, and in fact resent, is the level at which christianity is ever increasingly being shoved down the throats of those of us who don’t happen to subscribe.  Christianity is used as a vehicle to dictate cessation of behavior that you deem inappropriate, censor anything that offends you, and deny equal rights to those who aren’t christian…in your eyes.  I’m tired of your incessant insistence that we are  a christian nation!  We are NOT!  If you want a christian nation I suggest you all hire a great big boat, I hear Noah’s Ark isn’t being used, get on it, and start your own country.

I am offended when political events and public proceedings start with a prayer or a religious benediction.  I don’t think that our president should take the oath of office on a bible or that we should ever know or care what the private beliefs of any elected official might be.  The sky could literally be falling on your heads, and if the only person on the planet with the ability to hold it up happened to be pro-choice on abortion, you’d let the sky fall.

Organized prayer has no place in public schools, so stop trying to bring it back.  The lack of prayer in schools is not responsible for the moral decay of this country; in fact there is no proof there is any moral decay…except that you say so.  What you describe as immorality has always existed.  The only differences are that now it’s more in-your-face, because of the information age, and there are waaaay more people than there used to be.  And if we are going to have a pledge of allegiance to our flag, then let’s go back to the original version.  The revised version, fortified with god, causes indigestion (I forgot to mention I don’t capitalize the g-word either).

From the blog, Dover Beach,

“If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn’t help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we’ve got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don’t want to do it.”

-Stephen Colbert

Last night I said a prayer

June 17, 2011 at 2:26 pm | Posted in Atheism, Beliefs, god, Jesus, Religion, stupidity | 4 Comments
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They say, “Don’t knock it if you haven’t tried it.”, so I did.  I am now officially qualified to knock it.

So here’s what happened.  Last night I turned on the television looking for something to lull me off to the land of nod.  The first image was a close up of a  man and a woman with their eyes scrunched tightly shut.  The man was saying something about someone out there no longer having back pain, and someone else is no longer suffering from migraines.  My initial thoughts were, whoa this is some kind of crazy, low budget infomercial, for a miracle supplement that cures everything, shot in a studio with overly bright lighting (explaining the squinting).  Or, the supplement, while curing everything else, has an annoying side effect that causes extreme constipation; based on the facial expressions of the pair, they both looked as if they badly needed a bowel movement.

A moment later the man said, “And there is someone out there with a brain tumor that is now gone.  God and Jesus have taken it away”  By now I realized it wasn’t an infomercial.  As it happened the show was nearly over and identified itself as The 700 Club.  Immediately after you were told asked to send money the guy with the closed eyes said (this is likely not the exact wording but close enough), “Pray for what you want and you will receive it.” (from some guy named Matthew).  He didn’t say you may or you might or you probably will, but you WILL receive…

So I scrunched my eyes shut, as I had just seen and asked for what I wanted: to be a millionaire when I woke the next morning.  Praying does NOT work.  This morning I woke up and excitedly ran to the computer to check my bank balance.  Imagine how my spirits sank when I didn’t see seven figures. I can’t figure out what could have gone wrong.  I imitated the facial expression and the eye scrunching perfectly.  Could it be that not sending them money is where I went wrong?  If that’s the case then it’s a bit of a catch 22 situation.  If I’d gotten the damn million I would have been happy to send them some money.

The whole experience got me to thinking:  who is this guy Matthew and why did he lie?  Why is that religious TV program called The 700 Club?  Is 700 the number of members in the club, and if so does someone have to quit or die before someone new can join so they don’t have to keep changing the name of the club?  Or is 700 the collective IQ of the membership?  I’m leaning toward the latter because how gullible do you have to be to believe even those few minutes, I saw, of the show?  And I did give them the benefit of the doubt by keeping an open mind and praying.

I switched channels and found a show called AFV (America’s Funniest Videos).  After watching for a short while I realized three things:  The AFV audience is probably the same as that of The 700 Club, its producers evidently never heard of a little thing called the internet which has actual funny videos, and the program would be more aptly named, America’s Most Disturbing Videos.

If you’ve never seen AFV, unless you have sadistic tendencies, don’t bother.  People send in their ‘funny’ home videos for a chance to win a bunch of money.  Just about every video showed a person (sometimes a small child) being injured either by bad luck or their own stupidity.  Many of the injuries were such that I would expect any reasonable person would drop the camera and rush to see if the subject was OK.  Instead they kept on filming and you could hear the laughter of the person behind the camera, often the parent of the injured child, as well as that of the studio audience.  And, apparently you can never see too much footage of a man getting hit in the nuts.

I fail to find humor or enjoyment in watching people being injured and found it disturbing that so many people do.  It has to be stupidity; I can think of no other explanation.  Hence, my correlation between the pool of audience members for both shows.  I would pray they both be taken off the air but I already know it won’t work.

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