Honjii's Harangues

How to Speak Republican or Palinese

I received the following in an email (author unknown). There are a few errors, possibly due to copying and recopying but it’s worth the read.

Here is why the GOP and the Republican-controlled press is better at framing
the issues.
(By the way, do you speak Palinese???)

If you’re a minority and you are selected for a job over better-qualified
candidates, then you’re a ‘token hire.’
But if you’re a conservative and you are selected for a job over
better-qualified candidates, then you’re a ‘game changer.’

If you’re a pregnant Black teenager, you represent a ‘crisis’ in Black
America.
But if you’re a pregnant white teenager, you’re anticipating a ‘blessed
event.’

If you grew up in Hawaii, you’re ‘exotic.’
But if you grew up in Alaska eating mooseburgers, you’re the quintessential
‘American story.’

If you name your kid Barack, you’re ‘unpatriotic.’
But if you name your kid ‘Piper’ or ‘Track’, you’re ‘colorful.’

If you’re a Democrat and you make a VP pick without fully vetting the
candidate, then you’re ‘reckless.’
But if you’re a Republican and you make a VP pick without fully vetting the
candidate, then you’re ‘a maverick.’

If you are a popular Democratic male candidate, then you are an ‘arrogant
celebrity.’
But if you are a popular Republican female candidate, then you are
‘energizing the base.’

If you are a younger male candidate who thinks for himself and makes his own
decisions, then you’re ‘presumptuous.’
But if you are an older male candidate who makes last-minute decisions you
refuse to explain, then you’re a ‘shoot-from-the-hip’ maverick.

If you are a candidate with a Harvard law degree, then you’re “an elitist,
out of touch” with the real America.
But if you are a legacy graduate (dad and granddad were admirals) of
Annapolis with multiple disciplinary infractions, then you’re a hero.

If you manage a multi-million dollar nationwide campaign, then you’re an
’empty suit.’
graduate f you are a one-time mayor of a town of 6,000 people, then you’re
an ‘experienced executive.’

If you go to a south side Chicago church, then your beliefs are ‘extremist.’
graduate f you believe in creationism and don’t believe global warming is
man-made, then you are ‘strongly principled.’

If you are married for 19 years to the same woman, and have raised two
beautiful daughters with her, then you’re ‘risky.’
graduate If you cheated on your disfigured first wife with a rich heiress,
got a marriage license with the heiress before your divorce and married the
heiress five weeks after it, then you are of course a good Christian.

If you’re a 13-year-old Chelsea Clinton, then the right-wing press
unapologetically calls you ‘First dog.’
graduate f you’re a 17-year old pregnant unwed Bristol Palin, the right-wing
press calls you ‘beautiful’ and ‘courageous.’

And finally:
If you spend 3 years as a community organizer growing your organization from
a staff of 1 to 13 and your budget from $70,000 to $400,000, and you become
the first black President of the Harvard Law Review, and you create a voter
registration drive that registers 150,000 new African American voters, and
you spend 12 years as a Constitutional Law professor, and you spend nearly 8
more years as a State Senator representing a district with over 750,000
people, and you become chairman of the State Senate’s Health and Human
Services committee, and you spend nearly 4 years in the United States Senate
representing a state of nearly 13,000,000 people while you sponsor 131 bills
and serve on the Foreign Affairs, Environment and Public Works, and
Veteran’s Affairs committees — then you are woefully inexperienced.

But — if you spend 4 years on the city council and 6 years as the mayor of
a town of about 6,000 people, then spend 20 months as the governor of a
state with 650 thousand people — why, then you have the most executive
experience of anyone on either ticket, are the Commander in Chief of the
Alaska military and are well qualified to lead the nation should you be
called upon to do so, because your state is the closest one to Russia!