Becoming one with your cell phone

May 7, 2012 at 12:43 pm | Posted in modern trends, science, social comment, technology | Leave a comment
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I’ve thought for a long time now, that eventually technology will find a way for people to have cell phones permanently implanted into their bodies.  It would be so much more convenient to have your phone as part of your anatomy, and possibly less annoying for the observer, than to have the phone constantly in your hand/s and/or in front of your face.

I think cell phone use can, for some, be classified as an addiction.  The other day I was driving on a very narrow, winding road when I came up behind a bicyclist who instead of moving close to the shoulder, to allow me to pass, swerved aimlessly in front of my car and toward the middle of the road forcing me to slow down until I could safely pass.  When this finally happened I saw that the guy on the bike was riding no hands and no eyes as he was completely engrossed in texting.  A mac truck could have been heading right toward him; he was oblivious.  I thought he would deserve it if I circled back and ran him over.

So I guess there is good news on the horizon for cell phone junkies.  There are designs in the works for implanting phones into teeth and under the skin.  In addition Nokia has a patent for tattoo ink that vibrates in various patterns when you receive a call, text, or other notification from your phone.  Thank goodness for this last one, it allows you to be more than three feet from your precious mobile device.

These options raise all kinds of questions and scenarios in my mind, aside from the obvious unknown negative health implications.

For starters let’s look at the dental and skin phone implants.  Will there be small clinics located in phone stores or will you need to take the device to a medical facility?  Will the doctors and dentists need special training and certifications?  Or, and this one is scary, will they simply train some of the top phone sales people as phone-med techs (an entirely new job category)?

Teeth can be rather sensitive.  When you receive a call will it be an unpleasant sensation similar to having a tooth drilled without Novocaine?  I think this gives new meaning to talking with your mouth full and if you have one implanted into your forearm you can truly say, “Talk to the hand.”   What happens with the arm and dental implant when your contract is up; does it require a new medical procedure?  If you don’t pay your bill, will some guy with a scalpel show up at your door?  I’m thinking they should just put the phones in breast implants…we could have all kinds of fun with that topic on another day.

Moving on to the vibrating tattoo ink, which could be a great source of irritation or pleasure…I’m guessing.  If you chose to put the tattoo in a spot where you have a lot of tension the tattoo could have a relaxing massage-like effect.  On the other hand if you receive a lot of calls and texts it could start to get kind of annoying.  And I just know that there will be the guy (or guys) who thinks it’s a good idea to have the vibrating tattoo placed on his penis and spends the day calling himself.  Or maybe it vibrates for her pleasure, in which case getting a phone call during an intimate encounter, rather than being a bad thing, may enhance the experience.

I am really glad that so much thought and money is being used to develop these products that will greatly enhance our lives.  Do you love your cell phone enough to have an invasive procedure that makes you one with your phone?

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Hey guys, grab your joysticks and head for the men’s room

November 26, 2011 at 11:45 am | Posted in humor, modern trends, social comment, strange news | Leave a comment
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If  you’re running out of ways to have fun with your penis this game, which gives new meaning to joystick, is for you.  You can play anywhere with a properly outfitted urinal and you’ll never be without your joystick/game controller.  What about us women?  Ahh, yet another reminder it’s a male dominated world.

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Boob Jobs – Not Just for Fun Anymore

November 16, 2011 at 4:23 pm | Posted in health care, modern trends, political campaigns, social comment, strange news | 4 Comments
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There’s a lot of gravity defying breast implants out there these days.  So much so that I think we now have a generation of males that wouldn’t know a natural breast if it hit them in the face.  At the gym there is hardly a natural breast to be found.

It’s become a right of passage for young women.  I overheard a conversation between two teenaged girls talking about when (not if) they would get their boobs done and debating about what size to get.  There was clearly some jealousy and competition involved.  When one girl said she would get a C the other opted for D.  When C girl then decided she would also go with a D, D promptly tried to talk her out of it, pointing out that she was slightly smaller (over-all) and a D wouldn’t be right for her smaller frame.  It was obvious from body language, tone of voice, facial expressions that C was not going to be out boobed by D and D wasn’t going to stand for equality.  I thought it would turn into a girl fight.  I’m glad to see that young girls are focused on what is truly important now that the economy is thriving, we’ve achieved world peace, and saved the planet.

Now it turns out that these ridiculous looking chest melons (OK a lot, not all) have protective properties (two cases described below and I imagine a search might turn up others).  My only hope now is that Texas Governor Rick Perry doesn’t get wind of this.  He stirred up a lot of controversy when he issued an executive order requiring sixth-grade girls to be vaccinated against the human papillomavirus, for their protection.   Next thing you know he will be requiring all pubescent Texas girls to get breast implants.  Well..the saying goes…everything’s bigger in Texas, even the idiots.

From the LA Times:

BOOSTER SHOTS: Oddities, musings and news from the
health world

Woman stabbed by husband is saved by breast implant, reports say

  • October 07, 2011|By Amina Khan, Los Angeles Times / For the Booster Shots blog

    Plastic surgeon James Wells holds a saline implant, left, and a silicone implant.

    Plastic surgeon James Wells holds a saline implant, left, and a silicone… (Mark Boster / Los Angeles Times)

In another installment of our occasional series of breast implants meeting violent ends: A Russian woman stabbed by her husband was probably saved by one of her rather large breast implants.

The 40-year-old Moscow woman’s husband was allegedly aiming for the heart when he sunk a knife into her chest during a domestic dispute. But the knife was blocked by the silicone implants — which, somewhat ironically, her husband had requested she get some five years before.

In another incident a woman may have been saved from a bullet by her implants.

A Beverly Hills cosmetic surgeon says a woman’s size-D breast implants might have saved her life when a gunman opened fire at her office.

Lydia Carranza was working at the Simi Valley dental office July 1 when her co-worker, the gunman’s wife, was shot and killed.

Carranza was just a few feet away. She survived a gunshot to the chest, but the the bullet left a scar and deflated the implant.

Thinking outside the box…of tampons

November 13, 2011 at 3:05 pm | Posted in modern trends, sick & Twisted, social comment, strange news, stupidity | 7 Comments
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You know how products come with crazy warnings that make you wonder what the hell someone did to get the lawyers in a frenzy trying to cover their corporate butts?

Now it seems the makers of tampons are going to have to come up with some interesting warning labels for their packaging.  When I hear stories like this one my first thought is always how the hell did someone come up with that idea…what was going on, what were they thinking, how drunk/high were they, did they sustain a head injury?

Kids are using tampons to get drunk.  What a stroke of creative genius.  They soak them in vodka before using, skipping the middle man (the stomach) allowing the booze to go straight to the bloodstream.  Good news boys, you don’t have to be left out of the fun just because you don’t have a vagina.  You simply use a nearby but different entry portal.  Since it doesn’t just make you drunk but can be extremely hazardous to your health or to being not dead; I wonder how long before the makers of tampons are the defendants in a lawsuit because their package didn’t warn against the practices described in this video.

Waking up in the land of Oz and other craziness

October 3, 2011 at 12:44 pm | Posted in Entertainment, irony, modern trends, random thoughts, social comment, stupidity | 10 Comments
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Last week I had one of those days; the kind where you feel all achy and disconnected from your energy supply; so you surrender to the urge to lie on the couch on watch television.  I am one of what is probably a handful of people, in the U.S., without cable or satellite TV.  Because I live up against the mountains, over the air television and radio signals tend to behave erratically.  A radio or TV station I get today might not be there tomorrow and my living room is able to receive stations that my bedroom cannot.  The house is small, so they’re not that far apart, I don’t get it.  I’m not a huge fan of either medium so it’s not a big deal.

I flipped through the channels until I found something mildly interesting and immediately fell asleep.  I awoke to a program being hosted by Dr. Oz.  I didn’t see the remote or care enough to look for it so I watched what seemed to be a children’s program, but for adults.  In the beginning Dr. Oz hyped all kinds of vital health information that he said I needed immediately and that he was going to share that day.  Some of it never came up and what did was only lightly covered (or just plain wrong) so as to be completely useless.

At the beginning of the show, Dr. Oz was clad in dress slacks and a nice shirt; midway through the show, for no apparent reason, he changed into scrubs.  His audience seemed to consist of mostly overweight women, several of whom were chosen during the show to take part in whatever he happened to be teaching us at the time.  Being chosen must be an honor because each woman, upon hearing of her good fortune, would jump up and down clap her hands, and hug the people on either side of her before running to the stage, nearly unable to contain her excitement.  Some of the helpers had the added privilege of having Dr. Oz help them into a lab coat to wear while they were on stage, which made them all the more excited.

Once on stage the women were treated condescendingly, but didn’t seem to notice or care.  They would stand by his side as he did some sort of demonstration accompanied by his narration (that sounded as though he were speaking to a group of five year olds) using a visual aid, even occasionally holding and guiding their hands much like you would guide a child’s hand.  I found it disturbing that so many people are watching this guy, taking his advice seriously, and are willing to be patronized on national TV.  It was ironic that I found myself watching a doctor on television as a result of feeling unwell, and what I saw made me feel sick.  Perhaps one day his show topic will be the national epidemic of stupidity.

I learned that Dr. Oz is a practicing cardiac surgeon.  I wonder how he has time to do a daily television show and maintain a surgical practice.  If I needed heart surgery I would want someone more focused on practicing medicine than being a celebrity.

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Moving on to radio.  Sometimes when I am getting dressed in the morning I turn on the radio hoping for NPR, but about half the time (because of that strange signal problem I mentioned) get a morning zoo program instead.  The format is mostly talk with the same three or four songs of the moment thrown in here and there.  The DJs are careful to use euphemisms for sexual intercourse and genitalia, I assume because they have young listeners…though I have heard the grown-up versions of these words on other radio shows so I know they are FCC approved.  The other day they played a song and the word sh*t was bleeped, yet they play songs with lyrics that would make me cringe if I’d had an adolescent listening to them.  I’m not a prude, trust me, but I think these lyrics might send the wrong message to young kids.

From S&M by Rihanna:

Feels so good being bad

There’s no way I’m turning back
Now the pain is my pleasure
Cause nothing could measure

Love is great, love is fine
Out the box, out of line
The affliction of the feeling
Leaves me wanting more

[Chorus x2:]
Cause I may be bad
But I’m perfectly good at it
Sex in the air
I don’t care
I love the smell of
Sticks and stones
May break my bones
But chains and whips
Excite me

Na na na na
Come on
Come on
Come on
I like it
Like it…

Ironic, isn’t it, that not all that long ago Rihanna made news when her boyfriend allegedly beat her.  Did she like it like it?  I’m being tastelessly flip, of course.  Violence is NEVER OK.

From Last Friday Night, by Katy Perry

There’s a stranger in my bed,

There’s a pounding my head
Glitter all over the room
Pink flamingos in the pool
I smell like a minibar
DJ’s passed out in the yard
Barbie’s on the barbeque

There’s a hickie or a bruise
Pictures of last night
Eended up online
I’m screwed
Oh well
It’s a black top blur
But I’m pretty sure it ruled

Last Friday night
Yeah we danced on tabletops
And we took too many shots
Think we kissed but I forgot

Last Friday night
Yeah we maxed our credit cards
And got kicked out of the bar
So we hit the boulevard

Last Friday night
We went streaking in the park
Skinny dipping in the dark
Then had a menage a trois
Last Friday night
Yeah I think we broke the law
Always say we’re gonna stop-op
Whoa-oh-oah

This Friday night
Do it all again
This Friday night
Do it all again

Trying to connect the dots
Don’t know what to tell my boss
Think the city towed my car
Chandelier is on the floor
With my favorite party dress
Warrants out for my arrest
Think I need a ginger ale
That was such an epic fail

Pictures of last night
Ended up online
I’m screwed
Oh well
It’s a blacked out blur
But I’m pretty sure it ruled

Damn…

Which would you rather have your kid/s hear, proper names for biological functions and body parts, maybe a swear word here and there, or these lyrics???

_______________________________________

After having seen more Facebook pages than I care to, I think some users believe (possibly because of the site’s name) that the primary purpose of having an account is to post as many pictures of your face, from as many angles and with as many expressions as possible.  A better name might be Narcissisticbook.  And who has over seven hundred friends?  Though I actually stumbled on a site the other day that allows you to buy Facebook friends.  To anyone out there desiring to increase their friend count and willing to pay for friends, I just want to let you know that my friendship can be bought.  Don’t go through a website, cut out the middle man and buy me directly.  My price is negotiable, and I’ll consider all offers.

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I’ve noticed, recently, we don’t wear, use, operate, drive things..we rock them..IE I’m rockin’ (using Gs and Ts are not cool) my new jeans for the party tonight.

Well, that’s it..I think I’m done rockin’ my blog for today.

She was driving and shaving what?

May 16, 2011 at 5:42 pm | Posted in humor, insanity, Miscellaneous, modern trends, strange news, stupidity | 4 Comments
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We all know the dangers of distracted driving, so let this story serve as a warning to those who engage in this activity while behind the wheel. (click the image to enlarge)

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How dumb do they think we are, or how dumb are we?

April 17, 2011 at 2:59 pm | Posted in Atheism, Consumer Issues, god, modern trends, Religion, social comment, stupidity | 2 Comments
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An email box folder littered with spam messages.

Image via Wikipedia

Before I delete the email in my spam folder I need to scan through the list.  It’s a waste of time for which I harbor deep resentment toward Yahoo, the service I use for  my personal email.  In the not too distant past they upgraded and improved their system.  Since the implementation of these improvements many of my wanted emails,  from contacts in my address book, end up in my spam folder; yet for reasons that puzzle the hell out of me, the Nigerian letters always make it to the in-box.   While I scan the spam I notice the subject lines and wonder who are those so gullible as to even read, let alone fall for the scams that arrive daily.

Over the last couple of weeks a new subject has caught my attention.  It reads: Someone sent you a Palm Reading.  I have to tell you, I’m skeptical, because as far as I know both of my palms have been in my possession at all times.  Yes, I do sleep, but my very large, very protective dog sleeps next to my bed and if someone tried to borrow my palms while I slept the sound of barking and growling as she was pinning the (probably screaming) palm thief to the floor would surely wake me, palms intact.  I like to think of myself as smarter than the average  bear, but I can’t believe even the most intellectually challenged wouldn’t see the flaw in this approach.

Than again, we are, for the most part, a gullible bunch.  I recently got a Groupon offer for a two for one admission to a traveling King Tut exhibit.  It seemed like a good deal, and I almost bought it; until I went to the website for the exhibit and read that the items on display were authentic reproductions.  I thought, OK, the display consists either of authentic artifacts from Tut’s tomb or reproductions of them, they can’t be both;  If I’m going to spend my money on a King Tut exhibit I want to see the real stuff.  I’m an artist, I can make my own damn reproductions if I so desire.

For the past year or so I have seen and heard ads on radio, TV, and the internet for companies offering to pay cash for your gold.  You simply mail it off to them and when they receive it they appraise it and send you money.  When I first saw the ad I was dumbfounded at the boldness of what was so obviously a ripoff.  Who would be dumb enough to fall for that?  A week or so ago I heard a promo for the evening news indicating they were doing a story investigating these companies because they appear to be a scam.  DUH!  What took so long?  The fact that they had to do a story on it is pathetic and indicates that a whole bunch of people just sent off their valuables and really thought they would get money back.  Are you kidding me?

By the way if any of you reading this have any diamonds or other precious stones you don’t want, I’ll pay top dollar for them.  Just use my contact form and I’ll send instructions on where to mail them.

We as consumers should pay attention to what we are buying.  Read labels.  You’d be surprised how they contradict the claims the companies are making, in their advertising, even on the very same package on which the label appears.  They are betting you’re not going to read the important stuff and obviously they’re right.

The toothpaste aisle is a great example.  The two major brands, Colgate and Crest, both have an array of toothpaste choices.  There are those for whitening, extra whitening, cavity prevention, sensitive teeth, enamel protection, tartar prevention, stain prevention, many combinations of the above, and more.  I looked at the active (and inactive) ingredients of most of the different formulas and found they were the same.  The thing to read next is the price tag and choose the lowest one.

There is a product called V-Fusion, a juice containing fruits and vegetables, made by the V-8 Juice people.  It is 100% juice.  After it had been on the market for awhile, they came out with a lite, low calorie version.  If you read the packaging and the ingredients you find that it is 50% juice because they watered it down by 50%.  The price, however, is the same as the original version, so if you want fewer calories, buy the original stuff and mix it with water and save  your  money.

It should be no surprise that businesses are cashing in on a society gullible enough to believe there is an invisible man in the sky who created the earth and everything on it in seven days a mere six thousand years ago,  that science is evil, and who never question anything they are told.  I’m starting to feel like an idiot for not cashing in on the stupidity of the American consumer.

H. L. Mencken said, “Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people.”

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