Spitting on your burger or groping your goodies

January 7, 2011 at 11:41 pm | Posted in Current Events, hypocrisy, stupidity, technology, terrorism | 8 Comments
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click to see shirt

I’m afraid someone might break into my house and murder me so I put three very high quality locks and an expensive, state of the art, alarm system on my bedroom door.  My front door is wide open so the bad guys will be lured, like a fly to a spider’s web, to my boudoir where they will be caught up in my high level security system.  I know what you’re thinking; that Honjii is one smart cookie.

I love accolades as much as the next person but in all honesty I can’t take credit for my home security system, I copied the model from the TSA whose job it is to protect planeloads of people from being blown to smithereens.  For those unfamiliar with how the system works; the airport is a huge building or series of buildings that anyone can enter without so much as a second look.  But boy I have to tell you they have their act together when it comes to getting near one of the gates where planeloads of people wait to go through security; the area that keeps us from being turned into the aforementioned smithereens.  Hypothetically speaking, say some evil terrorist came through the main entrance to the airport and wanted to blow up a bunch of people; they would be lured (like the above unsuspecting fly) to the area where the potential blow-upees are gathered like sardines.  Said evil terrorist would need only to get into line behind hundreds of shoeless people waiting in lines, carrying items to be inspected while waiting to choose which form of humiliation they will suffer: being seen naked by, or groped by an unskilled low paid TSA worker who, by the luck of which job application struck pay dirt, is fondling your naughty bits instead of spitting on your burger at McDonalds.  This system is keeping us safe.

Even as I’m writing this something doesn’t quite seem right, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.  I’m going to go eat a muffin and give this some more thought.

click to see shirt

The muffin was delicious.  I’ve figured it out, it was so obvious that I completely missed the flaw in this system even as I described it above.  We shouldn’t be guarding the bedroom door, but the front door.

If some evil terrorist wanted to blow up a planeload of people do you suppose the objective would be to ruin a perfectly good plane or to kill a bunch of people?  If the objective is to kill a planeload of people it doesn’t really matter whether the people are on the plane or not, so why not just blow them up before they go through the magic door to safety?

When I had this epiphany, I pondered whether I should share, lest I give anyone any new ideas for ways to commit mayhem.  Then I realized something: there are no new ideas.  Every original thought you or I have had, or thought we had, was being thought by millions of others – probably sometimes at the very same moment.

I’m wondering why the front door to the airport isn’t the point of security.  If they paid as much attention to who enters there as they do to how long you stop your damn car to drop someone off…you literally just get to slow down and your passenger has to grab their luggage and jump out… that might actually make us safer.  I don’t understand why we don’t have highly trained security experts checking every person who enters the airport.  It’s no guarantee, but it would be a hell of a lot better system than the lame ass one we have in place right now.

click to see shirt

And another thing that bugs me.  If you, or I, or anyone is caught looking at a naked kid on a computer, you’re going to jail.  If the potential hamburger spit applicator looks at your kid naked on a computer while he or she is going through the full body scanner he’s making us all safer in the sky.  If a stranger rubs their hands all over your child it’s called molestation, and that’s another crime.  If the TSA screener does it, it makes us all safe and secure in the sky.

We can’t seem to get a straight answer as to how much radiation the scanners dose us with, the TSA claims it’s an insignificant amount.  I was listening to a discussion with a radiologist that is concerned about the scanners because not all radiation is created equal and a low dose, depending on how and where it is administered could be worse than a high dose.  This is the example that was given:  The scanner radiation is aimed at your entire body’s largest organ, the skin.  It’s a thin protective layer.  The radiation also includes your eyes, neck, and head.  According to the discussion this radiation, even at a small dose, is worse than a larger dose concentrated on one particular area of the body, such as an x-ray.  We have no idea of the long term effects of these scanners, especially on those who travel often.

Just for shits and giggles, if you opt for the body scan,  you should strike a very seductive pose.  If you’re not sure how to do that just google seductive poses for ideas and you will see hundreds of pictures of Paris Hilton.  If you opt for the pat down, during the procedure start out moaning softly, then step up your game a bit by saying YES, YES, THAT’S IT..HARDER, FASTER..NO DON’T STOP and end by faking an orgasm (if the screener is very good at their job you might not have to fake it).

click to see shirt

A note on the shirts pictured in this post:  No shirts were harmed during the writing of this post.  I have purchased one of each and intend to wear them when I fly to see how amused the TSA screeners will be (hopefully my next post will not be from behind bars).  Clicking on each shirt will take you to where it was purchased, should you want one for your very own.


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  1. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Eva Miranda. Eva Miranda said: Spitting on your burger or groping your goodies « Honjii's Harangues: I have purchased one of each and intend to… http://bit.ly/hXwAti […]

  2. 1) If we guarded the front door then everyone would be outside in the elements waiting to be checked, and they’d still be stacked up for a bomb to attack.

    2) “If I show up at a stranger’s house and shoot someone, it’s murder. If a police officer does it, it’s protecting and serving.” It’s almost like your analogies missed some crucial differences in the situations.

    3) The radiation from a body scan is frequently reported to be approximately equal to two minutes of radiation exposure while in flight (perhaps a hundredth of a millirem). CBS News says it’s also equal to ten minutes of standing inside Grand Central Terminal (it’s the stone) (Link) in addition to a whole bunch of other comparisons (such as about three hours of living at or around sea level).

    • You must have missed the part of my post where I mentioned a discussion with a radiologist who explained that all radiation is not created equally. The radiation you receive in a plane, Grand Central Station, or many other places is not directed at your body or skin.

      If we guarded the front door then everyone would be outside in the elements waiting to be checked, and they’d still be stacked up for a bomb to attack.

      We wouldn’t want anyone to get cold now would we. I assume people arriving in cold or wet weather are dressed for that weather. When enhanced security measures went into effect many people said they were willing to put up with the body scan or the pat down if it made them safer, so do you think they are willing to be irradiated, seen naked, give up their dignity to feel safe, but they draw the line at being cold? And yes, outside, they would still be stacked up for a bomb attack but not packed like sardines, as they are when going through the security lines; I did mention it wasn’t perfect but better and I stand by that. I am also not suggesting that we simply take the system that we are using now and move it outdoors, I am suggesting a different method of screening. Perhaps we should take a lesson from how the Israelis implement their airport security.

      • Yeah, you cited a discussion with a radiologist, provided no details why this might be the case, provided no citations that showed that the radiologist was expressing concerns recognized by the profession at large, etc… Those figures are all figures of radiation you are exposed to, not the radiation present dispersed through all of Grand Central Terminal.

        You wouldn’t find me complaining about looking to Israel for airport security best practices (the emphasis on behavioral profiling, for instance), but perhaps an illustration of precisely how the Israelis do their security before entering the airport would be helpful?

        Wonderful sophistry on the inconveniences of security by the way. Next time a soldier complains about living conditions in the field I’ll be sure to chide him for not minding being shot at or bombed but being concerned that he’s not burning up in the heat. Or maybe I won’t because I’ll remember that there are problems you can fix and problems you can’t, and the living conditions are a problem you can fix.

        • Perhaps you miss the point of my blog. If you are a regular reader or if you peruse other posts you will see that I am not a journalist, I don’t generally provide sources or technical details. What I do is comment on, or rant about absurdity that I see. Hence the name, Honjii’s Harangues, the World According to Honjii. If you are looking for hard journalism perhaps this isn’t the blog for you as I don’t plan on changing my M.O. any time soon.

          You are free to post comments that disagree with anything I say in any way you please but do not expect me engage in a long debate or run off and find the answers to your questions, because quite frankly, I don’t want to and I don’t have time for that. This blog is an outlet for me to speak my mind and express my opinions (which as far as I know is still legal), nothing more. If it makes someone think, laugh, smile, or become enraged that is only the icing on the cake.

  3. It’s not the X-Ray dose, it’s the principle of the thing. Why do they use x-ray’s at all – they have MM scanners that are safe – no ionizing radiation.
    The reason is 2-fold.
    1. Michael Chertoff (Ex TSA chief) is making money representing Rapiscan.
    2. The image quality is MUCH better than MM wave, and things like scars, colostomies, menstrual pads, and genitals are much better visualized.
    Example here:

    • Wait a minute… The scan picks up less, and this is a good thing? You mention that it can better pick up some objects the person would be carrying close to their body—isn’t that exactly the category of object the scanners are meant to find?

      It’s like suggesting a police department switch to .25 caliber pistols because they’re less likely to harm someone accidentally hit—yes, that’s true, but the gun also needs to be able to effectively harm people who are intended to be hit.

  4. great post! keep it on!

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