Honjii's Harangues

…and I’m a Mormon

About a year or so ago I started seeing those TV ads that begin by showing normal, busy people talking about their lives and ending by telling you, “My name is Joe Blow, and I’m a Mormon.”  At first I assumed that the Mormon church was running the ads.  In the minds of many the scandals that hit the news, about those polygamist sects, were associated with the Mormon church.  The ads, I thought, were damage control to show the world that Mormons are just like you and me.  I don’t know about you, but I’m not required to wear special underwear, take part in secret rituals, or go on a mission to spread the Book of Mormon.

Now, I’m not so sure it’s the Mormon Church.  I think Mitt Romney is behind the ads.  I think he planned ahead, knowing his strange religion would be an issue come election time, and used the commercials as a preemptive measure.  Remember when Bill Clinton was asked the boxers or briefs question.. I wonder how that will go with Romney?

Great satire, on Romney’s underpants from Pardon the Pundit:

“Look, Mormons catch a lot of flack for their underwear, but truth be told, my underpants are just as normal as anyone else’s here,” explained Romney. “People joke that Mormons wear `magic’ underwear, but that simply isn’t the case. Our underpants represent our faith, and remind us that we need to stay pure. Every single time we see our underpants on us, it’s like God is saying `dude, I know you’re all alone, and you thought Jim’s third wife was pretty risque showing off those ankles of hers, but look at your underwear!’ It’s like a chastity belt, but without all the chaffing.”

Romney responded harshly to a question from the audience from a journalist asking how the underwear could stop someone from playing with themselves. “Look, it’s all a part of the Mormon faith, okay? The underwear is just a last line of defense. Whenever I pee, I need to use my special Mormon salad tongs to handle the equipment. When I’m showering, I need to use a special sponge-ladle with needles sticking out of it, to make sure I get zero pleasure from washing downstairs. It’s all a rather small price to pay for being so in-touch with God. Without any touching though, obviously.” read more

Related articles

• Is Mormonism Still Racist? (slate.com)
• Why Can’t the Mormon Church Stop Baptizing Anne Frank? [Mormons] (jezebel.com)
• Daniel Pearl Baptized Posthumously By Mormon Church (huffingtonpost.com)
• Magic Mormon underwear or ” garmies” (http://1857massacre.com)