How to speak republican

October 25, 2011 at 9:05 am | Posted in political, Republicans | Leave a comment
Tags: Atlantic Ocean, god, Jesus, Karl Marx, Paul Krugman, RedState, republican, United States

By Jonathan Bines

Talking to a Republican can be frustrating. Often, it seems like they are speaking an entirely different language—and in many cases, they are! For this reason, and in the hopes of facilitating cross-party dialogue and mutual understanding, I have compiled what I believe to be the first comprehensive Republican-to-English dictionary, featuring words commonly used by Republicans, and followed by their English translations. Alphabetized for your convenience:

America (United States of): A country located in the northern Western Hemisphere that is always #1 and is always right.

Bible: A sacred text that provides incontestable answers when thumped, pounded, or misinterpreted.

Birth Certificate: An official birth record, traditionally required of all US Presidents (regardless of race) since 2008.

Capitalism: A system of economic organization that has never been attempted without government interference.

Christian: Accurately informed.

Christmas: A holiday commemorating the birth of Jesus Christ, now rarely observed due to persecution by atheists.

Compromise: (uncommon) A form of political suicide.

Coast (East): A very bad coast of the continental United States.

Coast (West): Another really inexcusable coast.

Communism: The belief that the government should help people.

Constitution (U.S.): The hallowed founding document of the United States, the text of which must be interpreted strictly and amended immediately.

Corporations: Really big people who are overtaxed.

Deficits: 1) Fiscal shortfalls which are incurred by Democrats and threaten to bankrupt the country, or 2) Fiscal shortfalls which are incurred by Republicans and don’t matter.

Democrat: A political party.

Election: A method of selecting representatives, the fraudulence of which may be inferred from the outcome.

Elitist: Qualified.

Endangered Species: Animals that have it coming.

Europe: A vague landform east of America’s Atlantic Ocean, which is irrelevant and should provide military support whenever we ask.

Evolution: A theory of human origins that’s been wrong since ‘way before they ever proved it.

Extremist (Liberal): Espousing or adhering to political beliefs that are held by no more than a majority of Americans.

Fact: Information obtained from a RedState comment board.

Forest (National): Trees that have it coming.

Gut: Region of the body from which decisions should be made.

Homosexuality: A membership-only lifestyle organization that perpetuates itself through youth recruitment.

Hitler: A man to whom it would be inappropriate to compare President Obama (in spite of the many uncanny similarities).

Jesus: Charismatic religious leader and son of God; born in Bethlehem in the year 0. His beliefs include love, charity, enhanced interrogation, privatized healthcare, elimination of the estate tax, and the right to carry concealed semiautomatic weapons.

League (Ivy): an association of eight Eastern universities and colleges, the lack of a fancy education from which qualifies a candidate for public office.

Liberal: A person who should be rounded up and shot but not really, wink, wink.

Marxism: A political and economic philosophy developed by Karl Marx and promulgated by Paul Krugman.

Media (Mainstream): The leftist mouthpiece, from which you won’t hear things.

Medicare: A fraudulent, socialistic boondoggle that is sacrosanct.

Mexicans: Brown people who have it coming.

Mexican-Americans: See “Mexicans”

Mountaintops: Ancient rock formations that have it coming.

Muslims: More brown people who have it coming.

Native Americans: Red people who need to get over it.

News: The holy Fox Network

Obamacare: A Federally-mandated policy to address the national oversupply of grandparents through euthanasia.

Organic: Eaten by lesbians.

Park (National): Land set aside for future rape.

Party (Tea): A grass-roots movement of patriotic Americans fighting for the principle of “No Taxation With Representation.”

Poll: A survey used to determine, to within a margin of error, just how many Americans are right.

Poverty: The condition of having inadequate financial or material resources due to not trying hard enough.

Propaganda: The politically motivated dissemination of biased information, opinion, or data through its publication in the New York Times.

Punishment (Capital): The legally authorized killing by the State of someone who is really, truly, probably guilty.

Racism: A form of discrimination that typically happens in reverse.

Regulation: Rules issued by a government agency for no reason.

Ronald Reagan: A fictional character based loosely on President Ronald Reagan.

Scientist: A person who employs a rigorous system of observation, experiment, measurement, and verification to perpetuate his godless left-wing agenda.

Social Security: A redistributionist Ponzi scheme that is sacrosanct.

Socialism: An economic system invented by FDR, which takes from the good and gives to the evil and lazy.

Taxes: Levies which are imposed by the government, and which increase revenue the more they are reduced.

Torture: A method of interrogation that does not rise to the level of torture.

Terrorist: A person to whom a person who threatens to destroy the U.S. economy unless his demands are met should not be compared.

Unbiased: Giving equal weight to both sides of the looking glass.

Wealthy (the): People who earned every penny.

Up: A direction which, depending on circumstances, is down.

Warming (Global): A mysterious human-caused increase in the Earth’s terrestrial, atmospheric, and oceanic temperatures that not only isn’t happening, but furthermore isn’t caused by humans.

Welfare: A government program to distribute Cadillacs to unwed mothers.

Yes: (unknown; no translation possible)