Honjii’s Harangues

I still have fourteen days until the deadline on my annual income tax extension (for my 2006 return) runs out. Normally I don’t like to rush into things. but I thought I’d get an early start this year and decided to tackle the taxes today. Every year, after waiting until the last minute I resolve that I will do the next return in January and be done with it. Who am I kidding?

On my 2005 return I had a bit of an unusual situation that will have an effect on my 2006 return, and I have no clue what to do about it. I’ve been meaning to call the IRS, for the necessary information, since last October 15th, when I filed 2005, and I finally got around to it today. Did I mention I don’t like to rush into things?

I actually had to call three times because as I got deeper into this odious task, more questions arose. Each time I called, after going through the menu of choices to get to the right place I of course had to wait for my turn. During the wait I got a recording that repeated every few minutes telling me all available agents were busy assisting other CUSTOMERS, and my patience was appreciated. In between the messages I got to listen to what I think was the “Skaters’ Waltz”. After hearing it thirty-seven times in a row I started having fantasies of piercing my eardrums with a sharp pencil.

What struck me as odd about the on hold recording, was the choice of the word CUSTOMER. If agents are helping other CUSTOMERS the implication is that I too am a CUSTOMER, which (to me) implies choice. If I am a CUSTOMER at Joe’s Appliance Service and I’m not happy then I can go to the competition. Never having been a huge fan of the Infernal (not a typo) Revenue Service my hopes immediately soared. We now have choices, where once we didn’t, of phone companies and other utilities; maybe I somehow missed the news the day they announced we would now be free to choose from among many tax collection services.

I checked the yellow pages, the government listings in the phone book, and every major search engine using every possible search term I could think of and I have yet to find even one tax collection agency competing with the IRS. Imagine my disappointment. As a responsible citizen I feel I should point out the word CUSTOMER might not be the right word. I’m thinking they should change the recording to something more accurate like:

All of our agents are busy helping other (pick one)

1. CAPTIVES
2. POOR BASTARDS
3. SUCKERS
4. ALL OF THE ABOVE
5. FEEL FREE TO ADD YOUR OWN